About a year ago, during the darker days where I was miserably angry and hurt all the time, I wrote the following:
I just want to find love. Real love. The kind that requires compromise on both sides, truth, happiness, morning tea, singing musicals in the car, traveling to new places and feeling safe to be with each other, surprise apple pie and crisp fall picnics. Where fights don't end with me crying by myself in a closet, and love making is sweet and raw and mutual. I just wish I knew how to find my soulmate...but even moreso? I wish I had the self-esteem to realize that I deserve to find happiness.

I can say now, that I think I've found it <3

Not that girl (cover) by AshieSmash

sigh. yeah. that's me. When I get lovesick I sing :P


Edit: apparently the soundcloud embed doesn't work sometimes... so here's the link: yay link!

Was I wrong for doing this?

Three weeks ago I came home from a lovely saturday with friends to a random person parked in my parking spot. Let me explain how our complex works. There are signs posted everywhere, at the entrance to the parking lot, the exit of the parking lot, on multiple posts, on the fence, everywhere stating that this is all private parking and for residents only.

So when this random car was there I was pissed, but forgiving. It was the first time ever that it had happened in my year and a half of living here. Fumed a lot, then drove around on the street (which is up a very steep hill by way and not very convenient) and found street parking. Came back down, wrote a note explaining that they were inconsiderately taking up someone's parking spot and that it wasn't theirs.

Last week, I came home at around 9:30pm from work. Dark. Raining. I was in a miserable mood. A white toyota was sitting in my spot. I was fuming. Really really fuming. Wrote a note saying that if this happens again I'm calling a tow truck. It's not the safest neighborhood at night, and with it being so late I had to park really far away.

Fast forward to this afternoon. That damned white toyota was in my spot again .This was the last straw. Wasn't exactly sure where this guy lived, but I did my best. Knocked on several doors down my hallway and nobody knew who it was. Most people weren't even home. So, I called a tow-truck, proved that it was my spot with my electric bill, and watched it get taken away.

The whole ordeal took about an hour, which isn't so bad I suppose, but it made me so angry. It ruined my day completely, and caused me to have to run around unnecessarily to get all sweaty and gross and sunburned in the 85 degree heat. Called my dad to rant and wound up just crying about it because I was so frustrated. I'm such a staunch rule-follower that when people are inconsiderate and rude and don't follow said rules I get really really angry.

So was I in the wrong? I'm scared that this guy's going to come after me. Pretty sure he's in the parking spot next to mine usually, but I've only seen his car there a couple of times. I keep playing it over in my mind and yeah, I could've gone back to the street again and just hoped he wouldn't take my spot again but...what if he keeps doing it? Over and over? And with me working such late hours at the studio I don't want to have to keep just...leaving notes and hoping he figures it out.

Gah. I hate being the bad guy :C

that was slightly creepy - livejournal wigged out on me and everything was suddenly in russian. Do not like. Felt hacked. Wonder if I've been violated...

I do believe I had my very first dream within a dream the other night. It was vivid, which was great, but the first part (the dream inside the dream, not the dream...confused yet?) was frightening as balls.

It seemed as though a co-worker and I had married and had a daughter. She was lovely, about 8 years old, with long curly brown hair, and liked to sing songs whilst in her white cotton nightgown. Somehow she was kidnapped down to Hell (yeah, what.) and dear hubby and I went on a quest to rescue her. We had one other person with us, but he was kind of like the red shit ensigns in Star Trek. Fodder. That's what his name'll be from now on.

So Fodder, J and myself hot air ballooned over magma underground, trekked the perilous caverns and mountains deep in the earth's belly, fought demon guards and skeletons - poor Fodder got hit by some undead mage right in the gut with a purple fire ball. Finally we found our daughter in the dungeons, somehow managing to open up her cell, and escaped...admiring all the lovely heads on pikes along the way.

We were all three of us sitting in our hot air balloon, arms around each other, dirty and bloody but mostly alright when I woke up.

Well..."woke up". I yawned, got out of bed, and went to work. Work which was now in the Swiss Alps. Still all the same co-workers and everything, but we had to take a giant gondola (not the italian boat things, the big air...zipline buckets) up the snowy mountains to get to the game studio. Super brisk and chilly! Fun! The work-day passed quickly and I spent most of the day IMing J about the dream I'd had.
"We were married! And had a kid!"
"NO WAY REALLY?"
"It was super scary"
blah blah blah blah.

The day came to a close, we gondola'ed back to sea level and then waited for the train to take us back home. That's where this Swiss guard (he sounded Austrian though, so it's confusing) told us something was wrong with the automated ticket machine. And he started making passes at everybody. He was incredibly flirty with Kacey, but even more so with J's actual girlfriend which made everything awkward. But when it came time for me to speak to him about my ticket he didn't give me the time of day. Wouldn't really look at me, kept a good distance between us, barely said a word and kept trying instead to speak to the other girls.

I was actually pretty sad about that. More than sad, I felt horribly ugly and depressed. And...that feeling continued when I woke up a few moments later. How lame.

Feel like I've been Inception'ed.

My dinners, as of late, have consisted of dry cereal and strawberries.

Hopefully this will mean I don't over eat, eat the wrong things, or eat too late... ending in me getting sick all night long.

I'm starving.

I attempted something new today. Word vomit singing.

Started out strong! Stream of consciousness and rhyming all that jazz (even though it's about some girl named Caroline whom I do not know but now I wish she were real because she sounds awesome).

Here's how the process went.

1. turn on recorder
2. sing random crap (melodies almost sounded like the songs from Juno O_o)
3. re-listen to all of it
4. type out what I said.

I must be on crack.

Here it is, typed out how it sounds (along with my afterthoughts in parentheses!) . Maybe oneday if anybody cares (and if I'm brave enough) I'll even provide the sound file.

Caroline

oh Caroline, i don't know why you have to be alone tonight
so caroline, don't stay in my room reading all my comics and take a broom-
stick (uh oh quick! fix it!)to our place where we like to fly so high
in the sky (phew)
we play....

...quidditch (??wtf is this turning into) and like to catch the snitch with Harry potter
he's my friend
but not a boyfriend (just had to point that out)
Caroline, so let's get ice cream
it's all my treat
at Hogsmeade (so...this is now some sort of fan-song?)



please tell me that you'll want to stay with us in the bar ( are we still in hogsmeade?)
Caroline I don't think you have to go too far
to see us walking down the street
and maybe having some kind of ice cream treat
to eat. (i think this was my favorite, most normal verse)

and we'll laugh out loud on top of the narwhals (uh oh, I think we're going down...)
unless you have your broomstick
...which you do because that's how you got to Hogsmeade. (derp!)

*cough*

So caroline, don't smoke tobacco it's bad for you
or drink too much it's bad as well
I don't know why you have to...
swell. (uh oh, mayday, mayday!)

there's a place where
we like to throw snow balls and throw our...
hair? (*flaming wreckage*)

but where do we go from here, caroline? (mental institution perhaps?)
I don't know what to do with you, caroline.
You're still in my room.
If you're gonna stay in my room, caroline, please stop reading all my comicbooks and telling me
all the ending lines. (and we're okay again!)

so caroline, I know that you want to be alone tonight
and caroline, I'm okay with that just go and play with your damn cat in your own room.
or we'll go buy...um.
shoes. shoo...be doo. wop wop bop bi doo shoobi doo whop bi doo.
oh caroliiiiiine... yeah.


O_O wooooow.

EDIT
shit. well. here ya go *cringe*
Caroline Song of Wordvomit by AshieSmash

The Dvorak Cello Concerto came onto my playlist this evening whilst doing artwork. And I got incredibly emotional.

Twinges of nostalgia. Walking through the streets of Prague, the smell of the old church in Venice, the flutter of butterflies just before getting on stage.

It made me miss Nick. That concert tour through Eastern Europe that we all took together, it was the best time of my life. His clarinet solo whilst playing the Dvorak? Still the one thing that will cause me to stop what I'm doing...close my eyes. And I'm there.

And I miss him.

Remember that dream dryspell I complained about a couple of weeks ago? It's gone.

Last night I had the best and most vivid dream in a really horribly long time. And with this dream, the feeling that I'm going back to being my ol' happy self is reappearing. Why is this you ask? Because, my dear friends, Jude Law has returned. Going back through all my old dream journals on here...it seems he hasn't graced me with his presence since 2006. Holy crap. That's just wrong. Have I been subconsciously constipated since then?!

I'm not about to go into the filthy details of said dream, mainly because it's totally none of your business *wiiiiink!* But the dark lighting in the room, the soft sweet smell of incense, the low hanging lanterns and paneled walls - it was romantic. And beautiful. And quite frankly, I doubt I'll forget it.

tee hee hee.

you are steelblue #4682B4

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

No matter when I take a quiz like this in my life I always get blue-ish colors. Hm! Consistency is good right?

People who know me are quite aware that I'm an overly sensitive and emotional person, but not a lot of people realize just how emotional I get over the simplest of things. I remember a few years ago I started bawling at a Hallmark commercial. Yeah, it's that bad.


At times, I try and steel myself to something's tear-inducing effects by watching or listening to it several times over until I get it all out of my system. This can make car rides hazardous to my health. When I first started singing along to the Wicked soundtrack, the song Defying Gravity always caused me to go into bawling sniffles and snorts causing snot to come out of my nose (this is why I keep tissues in the car thank you). That is to say, I listened to the damn song for nearly 2 hours on repeat driving up to the mountains, my eyes misty whilst I blubbered away just trying to get through the lines "And if you dare to find me, look to the Western sky" without causing hiccups and a car accident. But I thought I got it all out of my system.

However, even with all that emotional sabotage I threw upon myself, there are days when I will still sniffle and get that knot in my throat singing along with it. Just listening to it, strangely enough, will not cause nearly as much of a problem. Odd.

This brings us to the point of today's post. This damn thing:

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Yes, most of you all know about Where The Hell is Matt. There are tons of his videos floating around online and I'm sure he's been done to death (no sexual innuendos there, thx). Yet this one, this particular one, will make me cry.

That uncomfortable heat starts crawling up my chest to my throat about the time he's dancing around in Zambia and then I go for broke and can't hold it in any longer in India. That awesome little move he does with all the beautiful dancers Gurgaon, India just... I can't explain it. It's so gorgeous, and perfect, and respectful.

Several months ago I wrote to him saying "Whether or not it was meant to, I've been inspired to not be afraid anymore." I didn't get a response back, but that wasn't the point. Since then, I'd forgotten all about my comment , but whenever I hear that song it makes me remember to be bolder, stronger, and to live.

so thanks, Matt. Even through those gorram tears. Thanks.